Reclaiming Your Authentic Self: Overcoming People-Pleasing Tendencies
Reclaiming Your Authentic Self: Overcoming People-Pleasing Tendencies
In the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, it's easy to overlook the profound impact our relationship with ourselves has on our mental well-being. I'm Alexandra, a clinical counsellor based in Vancouver, BC, at Stillwater's Counselling. My passion lies in guiding individuals on their journey to reclaiming their authentic selves and living a life that's true to their values. With a focus on self-esteem counselling, embracing self-worth, perfectionism recovery, battling inner critics, and overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, I've dedicated my practice to helping others break free from these limiting patterns and embrace their relationship with self.
Stop Shrinking
When I first started to face how much people-pleasing was harming me, I had a revelation: I've spent far too much of my life shrinking. Shrinking away from my needs, my desires, my voice. Why? Because I didn't want to impose on others. I didn't want to rock the boat. So I downplayed my accomplishments, stayed silent when I disagreed, and apologized excessively. All in the name of keeping the peace.
But here's the thing: the more I shrank, the more I let myself down. I wasn't living authentically. I wasn't being true to myself. And it was exhausting.
People-pleasing, I've come to understand, often stems from deep-rooted beliefs and experiences that impact our sense of self-worth and self-esteem. People-pleasing isn’t necessarily about pleasing other people, it's about an inability to tolerate uncomfortable emotions or circumstances and a need to avoid being seen negatively. For many of us, it begins in childhood, when we learn that our worth is tied to making others happy.
Growing up as the oldest daughter in my family dynamic, I felt immense pressure to keep myself together to meet the needs of those around me. It felt like my responsibility to fix everything and everyone, and I learned that my value was dependent on what I did rather than who I was.
Breaking free from people-pleasing isn't easy, but it's possible. It starts with awareness – recognizing the patterns and behaviors that keep us trapped in the cycle. It's about learning to set boundaries, saying no when necessary, and prioritizing our well-being. It's also about challenging the beliefs that tell us we're only worthy when we're pleasing others and when others like us.
It takes time and practice to unlearn these patterns, but with patience and support, it's possible to reclaim our authenticity and live a life that's true to ourselves.
If you've ever felt the need to shrink, to blend in, or to please others at the expense of yourself, know that you're not alone. But also know that it doesn't have to be this way. You can break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and start living true to yourself and your values.
Tips to Overcome People-Pleasing
Identify Your Triggers: Reflect on situations where you feel compelled to please others. Is it at work, with family, or in social settings? Recognizing these triggers is the first step toward change.
Set Boundaries: Start small by setting boundaries in less stressful situations. Practice saying no or expressing your needs. Remember, setting boundaries is a form of self-respect.
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you offer to others. Acknowledge your feelings and validate your experiences.
Challenge Negative Beliefs: Question the beliefs that drive your people-pleasing behavior. Are you truly only valuable when you're making others happy? Be curious about where these beliefs stem from and offer yourself a list of affirmations of your worth to challenge these thoughts.
Seek Support: Surround yourself with people who support your journey towards authenticity. This could be friends, family, or a counsellor who understands your struggles.
Prioritize Self-Care: Make time for activities that nurture your well-being. This can be as simple as taking a walk, listening to your favorite song, reading a book, or practicing mindfulness.
Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate the progress you make, no matter how small. And remember that healing is not a linear process, setbacks will happen and that’s okay!
As a recovered people-pleaser, I'm here to help guide you on your journey to self-discovery and self-acceptance. Reach out and book a free consultation with me at Stillwater's Counselling to start reclaiming your space and living a life that's authentically yours.
Remember, you deserve to take up space. You deserve to be seen and heard. And you deserve to live a life that brings you joy and fulfillment.
